


Tell me how you feel

by Anonymous



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Bottom Arthur Pendragon (Merlin), Canon Era, Everyone Is Alive, First Kiss, Good Morgana (Merlin), Insecure Merlin (Merlin), Light Angst, M/M, Making Out, Top Merlin (Merlin)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-28
Updated: 2020-03-28
Packaged: 2021-02-28 17:15:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,286
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23360782
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: Every time Arthur calls him useless, daft, an idiot, a clumsy oaf, Merlin takes it. He listens to him, believes him. Because he always believes Arthur. Because he listens to him even when the king thinks otherwise. Because after hearing something enough times, you eventually start believing it. Sometimes Merlin wonders why he doesn't simply sack him. Why he puts up with him every day. He tells himself it’s because destiny makes sure they stay together long enough for it to be completed, but he doesn't want to believe it. He doesn't want to think that's the only reason. He wants Arthur to at least care about him. At least a little. It would be enough for Merlin's gentle little heart.orMerlin thinks Arthur means all the insults he throws at him and Arthur doesn't know how to react
Relationships: Merlin & Arthur Pendragon (Merlin), Merlin/Arthur Pendragon (Merlin)
Comments: 19
Kudos: 488
Collections: Anonymous





	Tell me how you feel

**Author's Note:**

> Here's a little something i've been gradually writing for the past 3 days. I hope it makes someone's day a little bit better. I know it entertained me well enough while i was bored. Merthur idiocy ensues,,

Merlin was oblivious.

Not always, of course. He was quite observant when he had to spot a potential traitor or killer, or when one of his friends had feelings for someone, or when one of them was upset. Merlin always knew what to look for. He knew there was something fishy about Agravaine the moment he laid eyes on him. Maybe it was because of the tiny smile he wore at times he shouldn't, maybe it was the look of genuine panic he seemed to have whenever Arthur didn't agree with him. Merlin didn't know what exactly sold it, but he knew he wasn't to be trusted.

So how in God’s name, does he not notice some of the most obvious things, as soon as they include him? How didn't he notice the crush Gwen so obviously had on him when he first came to Camelot? How didn't he notice the light blush that spread over the faces of young maids he makes sure to help out when they have some heavier work, despite it ending in him being late to his own work and getting yelled at? And probably as one of the most obvious, for the love of God, how did Merlin not notice the way Arthur's expression softened a little every damn time he'd look his way. Now, make sure to remember that. It's a nice little detail to know while reading the rest.

One might say it is because Merlin thinks more about others than himself. And while that may be very true, it is not the only reason. As thick-skinned as the young servant might seem, he can be quite self-conscious, and that is most definitely one of the factors resulting in his obliviousness. You may be wondering why I wrote 300 words to tell you Merlin was self-conscious and quite frankly, I don't know, but I'm sure none of you are too upset about it.

Maybe it's because it's quite an important detail in this story. Maybe Merlin not thinking too highly of himself and therefore having the impression others must think the same is the reason this story was written in the first place. Because despite all the power he had at his disposal, he failed to love himself. Failed to notice the love some had for him, which caused him to love himself even less. It's just one big mess of feelings, really.

So every time Arthur calls him useless, daft, an idiot, a clumsy oaf, Merlin takes it. He listens to him, believes him. Because he always believes Arthur. Because he listens to him even when the king thinks otherwise. Because after hearing something enough times, you eventually start believing it. Sometimes Merlin wonders why he doesn't simply sack him. Why he puts up with him every day. He tells himself it’s because destiny makes sure they stay together long enough for it to be completed, but he doesn't want to believe it. He doesn't want to think that's the only reason. He wants Arthur to at least care about him. At least a little. It would be enough for Merlin's gentle little heart.

It's fairly late when Merlin starts thinking about it again. He's in a forest with the knights, including Arthur, who wanted to go hunting and left Morgana and Gaius in charge for the rest of the day. It was late now. The knights were sleeping and only Merlin and Arthur were awake. Arthur because he was supposed to keep watch, and Merlin because he didn't want the king to feel like he was alone. He of all people knew what that felt like.

He was staring at the fire they set up like it held the answers to everything, trying not to remind himself that even if a spark of fire were to land on his hand, he wouldn't feel it. He wasn't aware Arthur noticed he seemed troubled, so he had no idea the king had been staring at him for a few minutes, trying to figure him out. Only once he spoke did Merlin realize all this.

“Christ, Merlin. Why do you look like a startled stoat?” Arthur asked, effectively pulling Merlin out of his thoughts. The warlock smiled to himself, looking down as he fiddled with his long, elegant fingers.

“Well, stoats are quite cute,” He mumbled softly, but quickly got told to shut up, so he did. He looked down at the ground, biting down on his lip thoughtfully. Arthur was still staring at him, Merlin knew that, but he stayed quiet.

“You gonna tell me what's wrong or what?” He heard the king ask and looked up. Merlin shrugged, unsure if Arthur would just call him stupid if he were to voice his thoughts. He didn’t want him to think he's stupid. So he simply said “It's nothing, don't worry about it.”, unaware that it would only make the king more curious. He felt a stick poke his side.

“It's obviously not nothing, _Mer_ lin. I've got all night to annoy you, might as well tell me now.” Arthur pried, a small playful smile on his face as he poked him again. Merlin smiled and shoved the stick away, then looked up at his king. “You're a prat.” He grumbled, ignoring the way his heart fluttered at having that smile directed at him. Arthur rolled his eyes and pulled him to him, rubbing his knuckles against Merlin's scalp ruthlessly. Merlin made a noise of protest and tried to move away, but Arthur was too strong for him.

“Okay! Ow, okay! Sorry!” He whined, putting a hand on his head when Arthur let go of him, looking beyond pleased with himself. Merlin flattened his jet black mop of hair back down, grumbling quietly, though he wasn't really angry. He glanced up to find Arthur still staring at him expectantly. Merlin sighed and pulled his legs to his chest, feeling a little uncomfortable.

“You'll think it's stupid.” He mumbled, much quieter now that he was supposed to talk about his feelings. Talking about that is the worst. “It usually is, but you'll tell me anyway.” Arthur said, as if that was supposed to be bloody reassuring. Honestly, you'd think someone who has to talk with countless egotistical nobles would be able to bite back a comment from time to time. Merlin just wanted to curl in on himself, hide away until Arthur forgot about it. He contemplated telling him to piss off and mind his own business, but he didn't want to experience those knuckles again, so he gave up.

“I just, I don't know why you keep me.” Merlin spoke quietly. He chanced a glance at Arthur, who just looked confused. Why was he confused? “I don’t know why you haven't sacked me yet.” He elaborated, staring at Arthur. The man just looked even more confused now. Merlin was going to actually scream if he had to further explain himself.

“Why would I do that?” Arthur asked and Merlin momentarily wondered if he somehow hit his head on this trip. He furrowed his brows, frustrated. “What do you mean _why_? Because I'm stupid, useless, clumsy, an idiot with no sense of self-preservation. Do I really have to keep going?” Merlin questioned, feeling a little angry now. He felt like they were talking in two different languages. Arthur looked like Merlin slapped him across the face, like he was the one being ridiculous.

“You can't be serious.” Arthur said like it was that simple, shaking his head in denial, incredulous. Merlin thinks he’s gone mental. “Do you really think that about yourself?” The king questioned, finally realizing Merlin really was not joking. “Why the hell would you think that?”

“I mean, you tell me every day-"

“I don't actually mean any of it, Merlin!” Arthur raised his voice slightly, looking like he's seen a ghost. Absolutely horrified. Merlin paused, now the one feeling confused. He opened his mouth, then closed it again, unsure about what he was supposed to say to that. “What do you mean?”

“I mean I don't actually think any of those things. I’m just joking around.”

“Jokes stop feeling like jokes after a certain amount of times, Arthur.”

“Well I certainly know that now.”

And so they stared at each other, gazes connected in a silent war. Both standing up against the other like they always did, but this time it felt different. More important, more emotional. As if the end of this conversation would actually matter, unlike all their other fights. Merlin stared and Arthur stared back, breathing that slight bit heavier now.

“So how _do_ you feel about me, then? Tell me.” Merlin said, voice switching back to being quiet and levelled. He kept their eyes locked, as if this was another one of the little challenges between them. It was Arthur's turn. The king knew that.

“I-...I don't know how.” Arthur whispered, somehow making Merlin feel like he wanted to punch him in his stupid perfect face. Because he tells him his insults are just jokes, but then he can’t even tell him how he really feels about him. Replace all the bad things with something that doesn't make Merlin want to scream until his heart gives out. He felt that anger rise again, from somewhere deep within him.

“What do you mean you _don't know how_?? So, what? You’re gonna make me try and figure it out on my own again? I see how bloody well that went the first time.” Merlin growled, pulling himself up to his feet, because he needed that height for extra confidence and strength. He stared down at Arthur, just wanting to scream. If his magic was keeping the knights asleep now, nobody had to know about it. He just continued his rant. “You're just gonna deny everything I've always thought I was to you but not tell me how you really feel? Do you not have a bloody conscience, Arthur??”

“Stop making a scene, Merlin.” Arthur pleaded. And Gods, he looked devastated, even though he had no reason for it. Merlin ignored the stinging in his eyes. “What bloody scene, Arthur! It's just us! Does it look like they’ll be waking up any time soon to you??” He yelled, not turning to look at the knights despite addressing them. His vision started to get a little blurry, and if the way Arthur’s expression changed is anything to go by, he noticed as well. The king stood up abruptly, but Merlin took a step back. He didn't want to be touched. Not now.

“It hurts, Arthur. Not knowing if you give a single crap about me. It hurts because I care about you and I'm always by your side and I know I would lay down my life for you with absolutely no hesitation. I know because I lov-"

He was pushed back before he could finish his sentence, his back hitting a tree. A million alarms set off inside him, his first thought being that a punch was coming, but then a mouth was on his, attacking him just as ruthlessly. Merlin groaned and reached up, burying his hands in Arthur's golden locks and pulling him impossibly closer. He kissed back, loving how trapped he felt, Arthur's weight pinning him to the tree. All thoughts flew out of his head, leaving only the instinct to please and enjoy. He didn't think about what this meant, about how much this would change. For once, he didn't let his thoughts take over.

Merlin’s mouth fell open, tongue sliding out to roll against Arthur's, who's shivers he could feel echo through him. He let a hand travel down, gripping the king's waist hard enough to leave small bruises later and turning them around so Arthur was the one pinned down. Merlin rolled his hips against him aggressively, trying to win the dominance Arthur probably thought he owned. He bit down on that pouty lip of his and smiled wickedly when it elicited a whimper. He had him.

Merlin kissed down his jaw and let out hot breaths against the skin on Arthur's neck. He bucked against him, mouth latching onto him to leave bruises that would mark him as his. Arthur became weaker with each second, his eyes rolling back into his head as Merlin toyed with him, held him captive. He felt a big, rough hand slide up his back, bellow the thin shirt. Merlin wasn't sure if it was meant to keep him there or help with balance, but he didn't spare it much thought. “Not so powerful now, my lord?” He taunted, smiling when the mighty king himself growled in frustration. The hand on his back dug its fingers into his skin, lighting a fire within him. Merlin gripped onto Arthur's hair and moved his head back to give himself more space. He bit down on his skin, the slight pain making him jolt and grab onto Merlin.

“Merlin, bloody hell-" Arthur breathed out, panting. He wrapped a hand around the back of Merlin's neck and weakly pulled him back. Merlin let him. He looked up at him, eyes hard and black with want. They were both ruined and out of breath, staring at each other. If one were to walk in on them right now, they'd look at the mutual fury flowing from their bodies and think they were beating each other up instead of making out. They stood there for a while, both daring the other to speak first, but Merlin was a stubborn man, and Arthur couldn't deny him if he tried.

“I love you too, Merlin.” The king whispered, and upon noticing the shock on Merlin's face added “You bumbling buffoon.”

**Author's Note:**

> Comments are much appreciated!! Have a great isolation day <3


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